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"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown" -William Shakespeare
"I am a villainess. I don't need a noble justification to ruin the people who stand in our way." -Aria Roscent, The Villainess Turns the Hourglass
"My Name Is Regina George. I Am A Massive Deal." -Regina George, Mean Girls 2024 Musical Adaptation
Chaosmaster Hawk
The Queen of Slytherin (Dracia Malfoid song)
Lyrics
They told me I was special before I could spell the word.
A manor, a name, a father who said the rest of them were third.
I offered the famous boy a hand. He took the poor one's instead.
So I learned the room. I learned the cut. I learned who gets the bed.You can call it mean. I call it the bill.
Someone has to keep the order. It might as well be real.All eyes on me. (All eyes on me.)
I was raised to be the one they see.
All eyes on me. (All eyes on me.)
The girl with the better pedigree.
You can study. You can try. You can hate the way I shine.
The top of the order was promised. It's mine.
All eyes. All eyes. On me.She walks in with the answers and a bloodline that doesn't hold.
They clap like that erases what a proper name is owed.
I do not need her marks. I need the room to know its place.
A queen does not explain the crown. She wears it on her face.You can call it pride. I call it the line.
My father built the standard. I am not here to decline.All eyes on me. (All eyes on me.)
I was raised to be the one they see.
All eyes on me. (All eyes on me.)
The girl with the better pedigree.
You can study. You can try. You can hate the way I shine.
The top of the order was promised. It's mine.
All eyes. All eyes. On me.They handed me a task and called it honor. It was a debt.
I smiled in the corridor. I did not sleep. I have not settled yet.
If the manor still has a light, it is because I kept the name.
You do not get to look away. You already know the claim.You can call it cold. I call it the cost.
I was made for the center. I do not plan to be lost.All eyes on me. (All eyes on me.)
I was raised to be the one they see.
All eyes on me. (All eyes on me.)
The girl with the better pedigree.
You can study. You can try. You can hate the way I shine.
The top of the order was promised. It's mine.
All eyes. All eyes. On me.You can call it mean. I call it the bill.
Someone has to keep the order. It is already real.All eyes on me. (All eyes on me.)
I was raised to be the one they see.
All eyes on me. (All eyes on me.)
The girl with the better pedigree.
You can study. You can try. You can hate the way I shine.
The top of the order was promised. It's mine.
All eyes. All eyes. On me.
"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other"
-fabricated line not actually spoken by Al Bundy, Married... with Children (1987 - 1997)
"So, you agree? You think you're really pretty?" -Regina George, Mean Girls (2004)
"Before I began research for this book I was not consciously aware that women were aggressive in indirect ways, that they gossiped and ostracized each other incessantly, and did not acknowledge their own envious and competitive feelings." -Phyllis Chesler, Woman's Inhumanity to Woman
Based Camp Music
Don't Toy with Me, Miss Malfoid (Sea Shanty Song)
LYRICS
[Intro]
Watch her march in,
Clipboard held high,
Badges on her robe,
Fire in her eye.
She's never been wrong,
Just ask, she'll say.
So I thought I'd help her
Be wrong today.[Verse 1]
I slipped a new book
On the library shelf,
"Goblin True Names."
I wrote it myself.
"Wizard names," it said,
"Erase their past.
Use the goblin ones."
She read it fast.
"'Weasley,' in goblin,
Means 'Limited Means.'"
She believed every word.
She believes what she reads.
At breakfast she rose
For the whole House to hear:
"Good morning, Ron
Of Limited Means, dear!"[Chorus]
Oh, Granger, (Granger!)
I'm just curious,
Why are you so cute
When you're furious?
Your cheeks go pink,
Your fists go tight.
So naive, so sweet,
I could take a bite.[Verse 2]
I forged her a letter,
Signed "Winky, Elf Chief":
"We'll rise if you lead us.
Bring clothes for relief."
She ran to the kitchens
With socks for the lot.
A sock means you're sacked.
That part she forgot.
Four hundred elves crying,
No pudding, no roast,
And every house knows
Who to blame the most.
They hiss at her now,
They glare, and they stare.
I waved from my hamper:
"Granger! Éclair?"[Chorus]
[Verse 3]
She leaves her badge box
On the table at night,
So I charmed every one
With a whisper of spite.
Next day she pinned them
On all she could reach,
On first-years, on prefects,
One badge each.
At noon, every badge
Flashed pink, for a laugh:
"GRANGER STILL WRITES TO LOCKHART
FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH."
I had no idea.
It was only a bluff.
But Granger went white,
And that was enough.
"How did you know?!"
She shrieked at me, loud,
Then realized she'd said it
To the entire crowd.[Chorus]
[Verse 4]
I wrote her a pamphlet,
Anonymous, sleek:
"The loudest voice yields
So the quiet can speak."
She loved it. She quoted it.
She made Neville cry:
"Neville, you're centering!"
He'd only asked why.
Then Flitwick asked something.
Her hand shot up high.
I said, "Who's the loudest
In this school? Not I."
She'd preached it all week.
Her own rule. Who knew?
So she sat on her hands
The whole lesson through.
Ninety-one answers,
And not one said.
I winked. She knew.
Her face went red.[Chorus]
[Bridge]
She came to my door
With a pamphlet and tea:
"It's your upbringing, dear.
I forgive you." Me?
"And Harry's been asking,
He's terribly curious.
He thinks you're so cute
When you're furious."
Get out.
GET OUT.[Final Chorus]
Oh, Granger, (Granger!)
I'm NOT furious!
Did he say "cute"?
I'm not curious!
My cheeks aren't pink,
How did she know?
Granger, come back!
Did he really say so?
📜 Lyrics
[Spoken intro]
HER: Oh. It's you.
HIM: Here we go.[Verse 1 — HER]
Once upon a time I offered you my hand
You turned away, and I still don't understand
So I made you my enemy, made it my art
Ice in my veins, but you're in my heart[Verse 2 — HIM]
You roll your eyes every time I walk by
Sharp little words and a cold little smile
But you only ever look when you think I can't see
Funny how your insults are all about me[Pre-Chorus]
HER: Don't flatter yourself, golden boy
HER: I just like breaking all your toys
BOTH: Breaking all your toys![Chorus]
Oh, you're a problem, you're a beautiful disaster
Every time you smile, my heart beats faster
I swear I'll never let you win
So why do I keep letting you in?
Chasing the same thing, same sky
Rather fall than let you pass me by
Oh, you're a problem, and I hate it
Hate how much I want it[Verse 3 — HIM]
Everyone tells me you're nothing but trouble
Thorns on a rose and a heart made of rubble
But you fixed what was broken without a word
Then walked away like it never occurred[Verse 4 — HER]
That was a mistake, just a moment of weakness
Don't read into my lack of meanness
I'm cruel to everyone, that's who I am
So why's it different when you hold my hand?[Pre-Chorus 2]
HER: Don't flatter yourself — HIM: You first.
HER: This rivalry's a curse — HIM: It's getting worse.[Chorus]
Oh, you're a problem, you're a beautiful disaster
Every time you smile, my heart beats faster
I swear I'll never let you win
So why do I keep letting you in?
Chasing the same thing, same sky
Rather fall than let you pass me by
Oh, you're a problem, and I hate it
Hate how much I want it[Bridge]
HER: Under the stars on the highest tower
HIM: We've been fighting for hours and hours
HER: A long time ago you told me no
HIM: So ask me again, I won't let goHER: ...Fine. Take my hand.
[Final Chorus]
Oh, you're a problem, you're my favorite disaster
Every time you smile, my heart beats faster
I swore I'd never let you win
But I'm letting you in
Chasing the same thing, same sky
Let's fly together this time
Oh, you're a problem, and I hate it
Hate how much I want it[Outro]
BOTH: No, YOU'RE a problem!
BOTH: And I'm keeping it
HIM: Still mad about the first time?
HER: Forever.
Lyrics:
[Hermione speaking out loud]
Ahem, right, I’ve prepared a short presentation
It’s forty seven pages, sit down🎶 Third year I punched her in the face
And, frankly, it was great
A flawless right hook to the chin
I still recall the date 🎶🎶 She called me something rotten then
She sneered at all my kind
So kindly tell me why that girl is living in your mind 🎶🎶 You swear she is up to something
And you’re keeping her in view
You’ve chased her down six corridors
She was buying socks, it’s true 🎶🎶 You’ve stared at that old map so long
You’ve rubbed her dot away
Her little name’s worn off the page from fifty looks a day 🎶🎶 I’m not saying I’m always right (I am, but I’m not saying)
I made a chart, I made it twice
It’s color-coded, don’t you know~? 🎶Chorus:
🎶 I did the reading, I took the notes
I highlighted every glance and every quote
You call it rivalry, you call it plot
I cross-referenced it and darling, you are caught
Oh, honestly, honestly
It’s in my notes since half-past June
The evidence is overwhelming
And you’re both a pair of loons 🎶🎶 You said you need to watch her in case she’s breaking rules
You’ve written more notes on that girl than you’ve ever done in school
You’ve said you hate her fourteen times at lunch
I kept the score, I drew a bar chart
And it’s taller than the day beforeShe sneers at me in potions, then she peeks to see you blush
She drops a quill when you walk in, then blames it on the rush
She called you scarred and tragic with a little dreamy sigh
Then glared at some poor first year just to cover up, oh my 🎶🎶 And our dear friend just eats his toast
Says, mate, she’s evil, and grabs more jam
That boy thinks feelings are a cold
He’s got the range of a teaspoon, and a teaspoon of ham 🎶Chorus:
🎶 I did the reading, I took the notes
I highlighted every glance and every quote
You call it rivalry, you call it plot
I cross-referenced it and darling, you are caught
Oh, honestly, honestly
It’s in my notes since half-past June
The evidence is overwhelming
And you’re both a pair of loons 🎶[rapping/speaking normally, I can’t tell]
Exhibit A, you hid beneath the cloak to watch her eat a pear
Exhibit B, she charmed her quill to doodle your ridiculous hair
Exhibit C, you bumped into a suit of armor mid-stair
Exhibit D, she signed a Valentine and signed it ‘Not from be, beware’
I read nine books on romance for this case
The ninth-one was a pop-up
And it still made more sense than your faceI need water, somebody get me water
🎶And if she’s changing, people do
And if she’s kind to you, then fine
I judge her, slowly, fairly, thoroughly
With footnotes and a timelineBut if she breaks your heart, you know
I’ve kept that right hook nice and new 🎶[normal speech]
I’ve been practising on a pillow dailyFinal Chorus:
🎶 I did the reading, I took the notes
I highlighted every glance and every quote
You call it rivalry, you call it plot
I cross-referenced it and darling, you are caught
Oh, honestly, honestly
I told you so, I told you twice
The evidence is overwhelming 🎶[normal speech]
And I’m laminating it
How nice, fifty points to meDid anyone write that down?
Fine, I did. Honestly, boys.
"To love a thing means wanting it to live." -Confucius
"It is your destiny! Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy..." -Darth Vader, The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
"I didn't survive all of this just to watch you throw your life away. Live, even if it's just to spite them." -Penelope Eckart, Villains Are Destined to Die
MythicShift